IMPORTANT SIDE NOTES
the most important thing
when pursuing therapy or coaching, the most important thing is that you work with someone that is a good fit for you. consider making multiple calls and meeting a few professionals, seeing how people respond, and who fits your needs the best.
Not all professionals are alike in approach, presence and directness. Practices are run differently with scheduling, who you speak to, and your level of access to your provider.
I talk with all potential clients before they see me for a first appointment. This offers you the chance to engagement with me before hiring me, to ask me questions regarding the services I provide. We both can get a sense of fit during this call, and cut down on any chance that you might waste time, money or energy seeing me. If you would like to get that phone call set - click here.
An additional resource I have with my thoughts on fit, getting started and why the first few sessions of therapy and coaching can be jolty and awkward, watch this.
people that want to do hard things.
This is the type of individual I work best with, ones that want to know, do and be. This type of client is not only interested in personal development but are also pursuing personal excellence. This type of person knows there is always room for positive improvement and always a chance to know their motivations, histories and triggers better. Clients like this usually find me when their efforts at improvement continue to falter, they are needing purchase and forward movement.
My clients are most often intrinsically motivated to pursue awareness and understanding of themselves.
trust the process.
When entering into a personal growth process, it is important to know what you are buying into. Essentially you are buying into change and human change at that. Personal growth is not something you can usually feel or see happening, it happens slowly but distinctly. This can be a very challenging part about change, there is no set time table and only some clear markers of difference. And yet, the whole time you are changing, you are seeing, you are considering, you are gaining a new perspective, making connections and building on your own successes.
breaking the sound barrier.
This is a phrase a client used regarding his experience of personal change. It made complete sense to him because he is a pilot, so I had him explain it to me.
When a pilot is flying, s/he experiences a dragging feeling as the plane approaches the speed of sound (aka Mach 1). As soon as the plane exceeds the speed of sound, it has broken the sound barrier and is moving faster than the speed of sound.
In personal growth, there can be a dragging feeling where you are unsure if what you are doing is working or meaningful. And yet it is in those moments, and the ones that challenge us in a tight space to do the right thing, make the committed change, choose a different path that we break our own speed of sound. It is at that moment when your small efforts and commitments make sense in a picture of your own change.
that doesn’t fit.
When I talk with clients about change, I try to be honest about clients I don’t work well with. Usually this comes in the form of cancelled appointments and being ghosted so to speak. This happens to all coaches and therapists - see the note about fit above. Usually some mix of readiness + perspective + responsibility is the person that works well within my approach. And when there isn’t a fit, we will both know.
skin in the game.
There are a few economic principles that relate to paying for something valuable. We all do a bit of mental accounting when it comes to paying for something. Consider these few, and what has come into play as you are looking for the right person to work with:
time/Money/energy
transaction utility = expecting to pay a higher price, does the higher price bring happiness or satisfaction
advance purchase = making a purchase ahead of time, takes the decision out of “going” to the thing
short term loss for long term gain = there is pain in paying now, trusting in the long term gain for what you receive
conditional cooperators = people that cooperate if other’s do, maybe you would be more likely to go to therapy if someone else does… ???
instant endowment effect = when you have something, you value it more and you have loss aversion (you don’t want to give up what you have)
inertia = an object at rest stays at rest, unless something happens (in life this is usually a crisis, negative event, loss or shock)
status quo bias = you stick with what you have or are doing even if a switch would be good
whether you want to do or not.
You leave a legacy whether you want to or not. And a challenging part about legacy is that it involves your efforts and others’ experiences. You can believe you are leaving a legacy of patience and support, but if others’ disagree, then your legacy is something other than that you believe. Part of working on your legacy means that you are growing in awareness of where you might missing a mark you are really wanting to hit. Find out more a here. out how I see this different in male and female clients here.
no one skips steps.
We all have a growth curve to hit, no of us is ever “done”. This “no one skips steps” phrase is one I use with all clients. When you work on personal growth, you will be working on things that need your attention - and unfortunately, these are usually things we prefer not to address or look at, and so we have put it off, denied it, blamed someone else, pretended it didn’t matter.
Working with me requires a certain type of readiness, and I have heard this described as “I tried cheap therapy and yeah…” or “I knew I needed something, I just didn’t know what…”.
no excuse.
There is no excuse not to pursue excellence in your own life.
No matter where you are in your change process, beginner or experienced, your excellence is always out there waiting for you because you age, gaining life experience, make mistakes, encounter loss, disappointment or shock or quit being okay with what has been okay for way too long. Excellence doesn’t just fall out of the sky.
“cheap” therapy.
Cheap as in quality, not always as in cost. My experience is this: Personal work is expensive and if you want to see someone good, you will pay for it. And it adds up. And there are people who charge more that maybe are not quite to that price point yet. Which is why fit is so important and I have mentioned it 18 times on this page alone. When you pursue meaningful personal development, you are not just saying yes to two trips to the dentist for bi-annual cleaning. Or getting an annual physical. It is best when it has some form of regularity. On-again, off-again reflects a style of change - and truly, everyone gets there own. There is no one way or schedule that is the right way to pursue personal change. Something to keep in mind: if you are pursuing excellence, you will likely be paying for someone excellent.
before the crisis hits.
One of the challenges of not pursuing personal development lies in my self-made equation of phases I use often with clients:
no one skips steps + waiting a long time to address challenges = more $$ for therapy
Unfortunate, but true.
before the crisis hits.
When friends, family or potential clients ask me for referrals, I mention fit (or course) and also timing. As humans, we do not usually air on the side of emotional preparation and readiness. We usually hit a crisis and are in immediate need of a an awesome professional that charges a “normal” price, who can catch onto your story and history in a flash, and is available to your schedule. Yikes. Because you are of course looking for fit (right??), you might have to shop around. Try out a few people before your own crisis hits - because - life is life and if you aren’t in crisis, you are only in line.
commonly misunderstood “hall pass” reasons people skip therapy.
When asked about the effectiveness of therapy, I am definitely biased. Therapy is not the end all be all. There are many ways to personal development and personal excellence. I have come across a few common excuses for not pursuing some type of personal growth through a therapist, coach, spiritual director or psychologist:
I don’t need it because ________________.
I am intelligent.
I have never needed it before.
My wife goes.
It didn’t help me before when I was in high school.
I am a mental health professional.
I am a doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, etc. and well, I don’t need it.
I don’t know who to see.
It’s too expensive./I can’t afford it.
I don’t have time.
I have good friends/accountability.
I am a _____________ (insert spiritual belief system here).
what’s in it for you (working with me/not working with me)
You have plenty of choices when it comes to finding a psychologist, therapist or coach. There are plenty of us out there, just like there are dentists, attorneys, bloggers, trainers, etc.
But you can’t always get a psychologist and a coach in one.
With me, you do.
Your identity, who you believe yourself to be determines everything you do. Your habits, your outlook, your legacy. Without perspective, you are working in an echo-chamber without having an ally in difficult and often painful situations that exacerbate insecurities, unaddressed issues, poor interaction styles. And worse, a legacy you think you leave versus a legacy you know you leave.
Without attention to your identity and your legacy, your growth is limited to the tasks you complete, the things you discuss.
With me, your legacy is paramount, seen in your values, strengths, and identity.
Always room for positive improvement. There is always room for improvement. Even in the healthiest and most stable individuals, none of us ever reach an end point, a no-growth point. No matter your accomplishments, the hurdles you’ve jumped, the ladders you’ve climbed, you are still a human that engages with the world and not a machine that never reacts. We all can grow.
Flexibility and focus are what we accomplish together. My clients choose how they want to work with me and we are always attune to gaining perspective, gathering tools, and developing skills for your betterment.
1) Therapy is expensive and 2) It is hard to find someone you like and trust. In the therapeutic world, you very often get what you pay for. Similar to some of your other quality favorites - food, clothing, tickets, haircare, skincare, gear. Paying notes you putting skin the in game, you invest. In all the options for therapeutic work, growth work, change work, make sure to find quality that is worth the money.